I know February is drawing to a close and I don’t know if it’s the month and all the forced Valentine’s Day lovey-dovey hooey but it’s been a rough ride for a few people I care about. Is it a ‘thing’ to become more introspective in the winter about relationships? Is it the hibernation that some of us endure in the gray haze of February?
A friend asked me recently if I had secrets to share. I thought she was prompting me for cooking tips, you know, because I make a fairly fab pumpkin bread (even without the heinously decadent cream cheese frosting). When she continued and said “No, stupid – not your baking skills. I wanna know how you’ve managed to be with the same guy for 40 plus…YEARS. I can’t manage 40 days and nights.” Whoa there, Noah!
Maybe I was influenced by the pumpkin pancakes in front of me, intent on enjoying a visit with an old friend without serious talk. I frowned at her. Then I chewed and swallowed, followed by a swig of too-sweet-and-too-creamy coffee, and said, “It’s an unspoken thing. He knows my sh*t and I know his…we balance each other out. That’s it.”
Our server, Janet, was standing by refilling water glasses and laughed, adding, “If you’re talking about how to stay married, I’d say that’s it. Thirty-two years for me and some days I hate my husband so much…but I’ve learned to breathe and move on.”
At this point I’m thinking three things:
- Maybe Janet – our server — should sit down and join us? She’s got better advice than I do and she’s not talking with her mouth full.
- Just because I like referring to people by name, when they have a name tag on, doesn’t mean I’m a fast friend… JANET! But still…I smile and nod. She means well and I brought my happy face to breakfast. My fault.
- My damn pancakes were getting cold and I wished Janet had brought more syrup, less advice.
Chewing and nodding, I used my fork as a pointer and mumbled to my friend, “See, even Janet knows. You’ve gotta put up with stuff.”
Thank God my friend has loved me for-ev-er and doesn’t expect me to be “Dr. Vicki” when we hang out. No, no. Never with my friends. I’m just me. But still…I know her and in her wildest, 20-something dreams, she had a particular type of guy in mind. A Mr. Perfect and despite my periodic cautions about her rigid expectations (only when she’s asked for my input) no one’s measured up to her wild list of qualifications. She’s got a well-worn and established pattern…a chronic ‘fall in love…realize he’s flawed – duh – aren’t we all – and fall out of love’ sequence.
Which got me thinking. As she sighed and changed the subject, talking about the new boots she just bought, I realized I love her for her quirks and I know she’ll find her way, eventually. We’ll enjoy breakfast now and then banter/fight like sisters and bid adieu for a few weeks. Why? She always knows she’s just an inch away from provoking me, taunting me enough to summon my favorite Joseph Campbell quote. She’s heard it a million times and somehow, she knows just when to pull back before I hit ‘play’.
Curious about which Joseph Campbell quote? I’m being sneaky…you’ll need to saunter over to Heart of the Matter, to check out another love story. Different friend…situation…but lovelorn nonetheless…and yet…ever, ever hopeful. And worthy of some quintessential Campbell wisdom.
Is it March yet?
Vicki 😊
Victoria Ponders 
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