Thank you so much for the feedback and input about the themes in my book, “Surviving Sue”. I promised I’d provide a peek, once a week, into the book, one tidbit at a time. This week? I’ve got elder care on my mind. (New! Feel like listening instead? Check out the latest Heart of the Matter podcast to listen as Wynne and I chat about the book.)
Navigating elder care challenges and finding appropriate support for my mom/Sue was difficult. As a woman dealing dementia and Alzheimer’s, along with layers of mental health challenges and alcoholism, Sue needed to be in a safe environment and one that would offer a progressive ‘leveling up’ of services as her needs grew.
I unpacked the details in “Surviving Sue” because I know how intense and overwhelming it can be to navigate the labyrinth of choices. Being a simultaneous caretaker for parents and children, or other dependents (in my case my guardianship for my disabled sister Lisa) can be nuanced and heavy. Even so, what helped me were the comrades-in-arms stories giving me the energy and resolve to keep moving forward when it was oh-so hard. Literally swapping stories with friends and family who’d been in the elder care trenches helped me preserve my sanity. There’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone, right?
Sue was difficult to place when we knew she needed more support. It was a slippery slope and true to form, Sue acted out every time we toured a retirement/assisted living facility. When her behavior was especially embarrassing and cringeworthy, I embraced every morsel of kindness from administrators and staff. Knowing looks of understanding, a little bit of grace for the load I carried were welcome. Compassion – even when it was only a kind gaze – kept me moving forward.
The ‘compassion lift’ was there, even when the conclusion (about whether Sue would be accepted at a particular facility or not) was a quick and assertive ‘No, not there…this is not the place for Sue’. I understood. The decisions often had nothing to do vacancies and availability…nope. The deciding factors were based on ‘suitability’ (or Sue-tability?). Sue held nothing back, serving up all of her issues as she waved her arrogance and entitlement flag loud and proud at every venue we visited.
Along the way, a dear woman who was the administrator at one of the locations offered more pointed support, despite her negative appraisal of Sue. Her name was Jane and I’ll never forget her.
Sue was a terror during the lunch and tour offered at the “Beaumont” and after some unforgivable antics, we were ushered on our way. Some of you might recall the phrase ‘Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?’ as an expression offered to guests who’ve overstayed their welcome as they’re shown the door. That’s what happened at Beaumont with Jane, the administrator, whispering to me:
“Vicki, I can see this isn’t going to be a good fit. Your mom, she has, I don’t know, some personality issues? I’m not sure. You know her best but she doesn’t seem on board or excited and maybe you should keep looking. I wish you the best.”
“Surviving Sue”, p. 230
We were hustled out and Sue was thrilled. She wrangled a reprieve and after a quick exit thanks to her obnoxious behavior, she smiled the whole way home. The next day I wrote an apology note to Jane about the damage Sue did during the tour and about a month later, Jane called me to check-in. An unexpected kindness:
“Have you found a place for Sue yet? It’s not my business, Vicki, but your mom is going to be hard to place. Should you talk to her doctors more? Maybe it’s her medications? Too much, too little? I wish you well.” I added Jane to the list of truly kind people who had hellish first-hand experiences with Sue and knew, for their own sanity and salvation they needed to get out of her orbit. It was okay. I was accustomed to it but still found comfort whenever a new victim could see past Sue to look at me. I needed any amount of softness and empathy offered. Jane provided that…”
“Surviving Sue”, p. 230, 231
Eventually, we found an option for Sue thanks to a recommendation from her psychiatrist. I cannot fathom the lengths that dear Dr. Carole must’ve gone to in order to pave the way, make phone calls, lean into her network and connections. I was grateful for her support because she saw the burdens I carried and was one of the angels on my path, in the story of “Surviving Sue“. And I guess that’s my point. When I needed the support the most, the cavalry came. If you’re dealing with elder care challenges, know that I’m sending virtual support your way. Just because.
Vicki ❤
Learn more about “Surviving Sue” in the latest Heart of the Matter podcast. ❤
Victoria Ponders 
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