Thanks so much for continuing to ride along as I share more about “Surviving Sue“. I can’t believe it’s only been three months since her debut! (Hmm…Three months or three years?) I’ve learned so much about the process of publishing and promoting but even more… about myself. A lot of personal growth has been packed into three months.
Getting comfy and talking about your life in a deeply personal context took some courage, to be sure. What was unexpected was the sustained level of bravery and confidence required to continue to talk about my experiences, the unwrapping of my life, as told in the book.
The phrase ‘nowhere to run, nowhere to hide’ was never more apt. So far, I’ve kept my feet within the spotlight and haven’t run for cover. I thought about it a time or two, when those ingrained vulnerabilities and worthiness worries rose to the surface. Each time, I stomped ‘em down because I’m evolving. Shoulders back, head up. I’ve quelled those buggers by standing strong. Literally.
I’ve adored the questions and input from friends and fellow writers who are curious about writing in the memoir or personal narrative genre. I can’t advise you about the ‘should I or shouldn’t I?‘ dilemma but I CAN tell you there’s no way to find out other than to begin. At the beginning. Or in my case, begin at the end…the literal end of my mom, Sue’s life.
Wherever you start, I encourage you to just do it. Write. Write. Write. Enlist the support of a couple of trusted beta readers and tell your story. When you get to the prickly parts and concerns about being disrespectful or begin to labor over ‘how much is too much’ to share, I have faith that you will know best. In the end, it’s your story to write and the telling part? That will be entirely up to you. Who gets to read it, what you include and what you don’t. Think of it this way: You are writing for an audience of one. Just you. Others may find their way in, but when it’s just you and your keyboard, try to keep it that way.
It’s been two years since I began writing about my mom. “Surviving Sue” spilled out of me in less than six months but the refinement, the rewriting, the feedback loops and editing took much longer. And the timeline to publication? Longer still. The most glorious surprise is that I continue to learn about myself as I steward “Sue” forward.
Foolishly, I figured most of the personal insights and epiphanies would arrive as a result of the writing itself, but now I realize the learning never stops. Inviting readers into my world has enriched my life in so many ways. I’ve especially appreciated the questions from readers, allowing me to pause and consider my life with Sue. With bittersweet wonder, amazement and love. An unexpected dose of depth has arrived – not from the living of my life with Sue. Or the storytelling about it. But in the sharing.
Here are a couple of the observations and questions I’ve received from readers...heartfelt input which continues to serve me well as I reflect upon Sue’s story and my life as her daughter:
- Comment: Your book stirred up my emotions and a little awe: “I can’t believe you’re as functional as you are”. I’ve heard that a bit and sometimes I want to laugh, cry or scream. Maybe all three?
Response? I see the compliment cloaked in shock, and I appreciate it. But don’t give me too much credit. I often answer that I had my disabled sister, Lisa, to think about and it kept me focused. “Compartmentalizer” could be my middle name. It was one of the coping skills I learned over the years, and it helped me avoid being overwhelmed in any dire moment.
- Question: Tell me more about the HOW: Some readers have commented that they wish I’d written more about HOW I survived Sue? She was a terror and a menace. What’s your secret? (And the undercurrent from a few folks has been a little gentle inquiry as to whether or not I’ve slayed my own addiction demons.)
Response? I think I’m finding my way about the ‘how to’ part, thanks to grand and wonderful advice from trusted advisors and friends. A new calling seems to be surfacing about showcasing my toolkit. Not because I can profess it will work for someone…or anyone but because I know what worked for me. A door has opened to new adventures in this regard and I’m walking through it. (Sorry to be vague…but I haven’t put all of the pieces together yet.) And the question about addictions – alcohol or otherwise? Nope, not one of my hurdles, although I have tremendous regard and respect for those in their recovery journeys. As many other adult children of alcoholics will tell you, we often have hefty control needs when it comes to our behavior and our environment. Substances? Other than coffee and a good sugar buzz now and then? That’s it for me.
- Question: About my dad, Sonny: How did you forgive your father for being absent and unaware – especially when you were little. If he’d intervened more, perhaps some of the hardships could’ve been avoided?
Response? True enough. A terrific observation. In learning to forgive my mom, Sue, I realized I needed to give my dad grace, too. As much as he could portray the superhero, swooping in to save sister Lisa and myself (when he was around) he had his own struggles, suffering in ways I didn’t fully understand until after he passed away. Had he been more dialed-in, Sue might’ve been subdued and less of a destructive force, but instead, I believe the sum total of his efforts in surviving Sue, took a toll, and contributed to his untimely death at just sixty-one years of age. Said another way and much more succinctly: Forgiveness IS the gift you give yourself. If I could forgive Sue, I could forgive Sonny, too.
Vicki ❤
Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate your interest and feedback about “Surviving Sue” and I’m so pleased to have great reviews on Amazon and Goodreads…and I welcome more. If you’ve enjoyed the book and my story, please pass along your positivity to a fellow reader.
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Victoria Ponders 
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