Today marks the 27th anniversary of my dad, Sonny’s passing. Living with loss is one of the life’s greatest achievements, I think. Not a day goes by without thinking about my dad – for one reason or another.
Every year he consumes my thoughts when June 10 rolls around. Sometimes fleeting glimpses of silly moments or heavier instances of sharing our lives with Sue…my mom, his wife…the one who stirred life up, over and over again.
After my dad passed away Sue descended more than he would ever have imagined. The loss of him on top of all the other pain she carried throughout her life was an unrecoverable blow.
While I think about my dad every day, I buckle up on June 10, wondering and waiting for a memory, a sense of him to arrive.
This morning did not disappoint. I can’t say I understand. I can’t say I’m evolved enough spiritually to comprehend, but I’ll take messages in any form, any day from my dear dad.
This anniversary brought a trio of tear-inducing moments. It’s only 8:00 a.m. here but I feel like I’ve experienced a day like no other already. Because of my awareness and mindfulness of him? Something more bringing him close? I don’t know.
Who am I to judge?
Here are those moments, feeling the sense of him this morning:
- My dad was a stickler about accurate time pieces. He loved watches and had clocks all over the house and was a careful steward of time. Never late because punctuality was a virtue. Overnight? Four clocks that run on batteries in our house died. The kitchen clock that’s my constant companion, reminding me to move it when I linger too long over coffee. The clock I’m looking at right now in my office. The one I use to play my grown-up version of ‘beat the clock’ when I need to accomplish a task that I’d rather avoid. I can do anything for 30 minutes…or an hour…I tell myself as I glance at my wall clock and say, “go”. The clock in the basement above Paul’s workbench. The one I glance at as I begin my workouts, made by his father, Joe. (Maybe he’s getting in on the attention-getting act, too?) And lastly, the bedside clock in the guest room where my sweet sister Lisa’s sleeps when she visits. Two of the four clocks got an “AA” refresh just a month or so ago – the clock in my office and in Lisa’s room. The curiousness of all four failing – in places where I routinely lay my eyes to keep track of time – on a day of remembrance? I dunno. But I like it. Except for the extra task of fetching fresh batteries around here on a busy Monday morning.
- Our cherry tree is giving us a bumper crop this year and so far, none of our deer friends have discovered the juicy morsels, all ripe and yummy, descending from heavy branches. Until this morning. Rarely do we see a baby buck, a young guy with his antlers still fluffy and fuzzy but a little dude greeted Paul and I a few minutes ago. The gentle boy looked at us, looking at him and held our gaze for an inordinately long time. Then, rather than turning his attention back to the fruit, he ambled forward, closer to our deck and stood just five feet from us, examining us up and down. We stared and stood – just as he did for a full minute. Paul and I were both afraid to breathe or move, for fear of spooking our friend. I wanted to grab my phone, just an arm length’s away to capture the moment, but I dared not. Our friend blinked, cocked his head at us and turned, scampering away and into the field. My dad always said if he could be an animal in another life, he’d be a big buck with fantastic, commanding antlers. Well, this new guy might be a few years from having that stature, but he’s on his way. And if Sonny sent him to say hello, how fantastic would that be?
- And lastly. I’m late to the party – often – when it comes to good music. The older I get, the less capable I am of holding back tears when a song goes straight to the heart. This morning? I didn’t make it through my spin class because a song, Big & Rich’s “Holy Water” leveled me. It’s not new-new…just new to me. I think it was released twenty years ago, but the harmony and lyrics prompted instant tears. If you needed me to feel your presence, your essence, dear dad, mission accomplished. The lyrics are magical and the chorus? Wow.
She says take me away
Then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
Like Holy Water
Holy Water
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. My morning’s been derailed in the best possible way and I thought I’d better sit down and share. Thanks for letting me.
Vicki 🥰
Victoria Ponders 
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