The Preamble: Does this happen to you? When I begin mulling a certain topic, my brain finds alignment with the theme or concept and before I know it, I have a line-up of scenarios, moments, memories that fall into the same bucket of consideration. It’s fantastic, this awareness business 😉 and it makes me think I ought to spend time contemplating bigger issues.
Intent + focus = insight
Last week’s podcast chat, Smiles from the Unemployment Office must’ve triggered thoughts about my own workplace identities. Combined with a splendid encounter with a former student? I can see the interwoven threads. See what you think…
A former student reached out to me last week and asked the mother of all questions. Maybe I exaggerate? But it was a good, good one. Read on…
We’ll call my student Martin. He was a young adult – in his mid-twenties when I met him ten years ago. He felt like a fish out of water because he wasn’t fresh out of high school but still wore the label of ‘first year student’ amidst the 18-year-olds. He was vulnerable, unsure and felt he’d missed the bus…couldn’t compete with his younger peers. But he was wrong. Martin’s enthusiasm and work ethic were unmatched. He just didn’t know it yet.
Martin knew me as a faculty member, a Dean and a counselor. It didn’t happen often, but there were times in my higher ed life when students would encounter all versions of “Vicki” – my varying identities and roles. When those overlaps occurred, I needed to be careful about boundary setting. Reminding students which hat I wore depending upon the circumstance. Here’s what I mean:
Vicki as professor? One version of me…I’ve got a syllabus and I know how to use it. In my teaching role, distinct rules and expectations were defined. I was a stickler about being on time for class and the chunk of the syllabus about behavioral expectations (especially regarding respect, diversity and inclusion expectations and behavior in online discussion boards) was LENGTHY. But there was levity…lightness. We had snacks. Even though eating and drinking in class was strictly prohibited, my friends in Facilities knew I’d tidy up…and so would my students. Leave no donut dust behind. Yep. Those words. On the syllabus. Martin remembered the ‘donut dust’ point and said he still smiles about it whenever he eats a messy, powdered sugar donut. 😉 And yes. We ate fruit and other healthier nibbles, too.
Vicki as the Dean? The version of me that managed a large team and multiple functions, all with excellence in student services in mind. Martin knew that Vicki because he was a student worker in one of our offices, which helped to reduce his tuition costs. (I just realized, Martin also knew me as a mom, seeing daughter Delaney accompany me to work every now and then. Delaney called that part of me “Meeting Momma” because she thought my days were ultra dull. And told me so. Often.)
Vicki as a counselor/therapist? The version of me that displayed her license and credentials in a prominent place, per State regulations. The version of me that followed a distinct protocol with session notes, secured and private. The Vicki that wanted to build rapport but knew better than to rush. Listening for understanding and allowing trust to be built, however long that took…was job #1. Even though parameters and limitations were set as to the number of times students could be seen before outside referrals occurred, I broke those rules often (and documented accordingly) if I sensed momentum was afoot. Martin and I worked together to address challenges he faced but it took time to break through his protective veneer of anger and disappointment.
When Martin emailed me and asked to chat, I was thrilled to hear from him, but I was cautious about which version of me he intended to tap. Some roles I’ve left behind, some I’ve retained in new forms. What surprised me the most was how aware he was of all of that. He’s been following me in my business ventures, book writing and consulting, praising me for my pivots. Hmm. I hadn’t thought of my career path in that way…Martin might’ve had a future as a counselor if he wasn’t so darn talented in other ways.
We met over coffee last week and Martin said he had a particular question in mind. Here it comes:
“How do you know when it’s time to make a healthy exit?”
You know where my first thoughts went. Questions about the who, what, where, when…exit from….??? But instead, I said:
“Now that – that right there is a question isn’t it? He smiled. I smiled back and added, “Sounds like you might be approaching a crossroads, wondering about making a decision?”
Martin continued and for about twenty minutes he shared a workplace dilemma where he’s convinced his boss is lying to him about his promotion potential…feeling overlooked and placated as supervisory roles are doled out to employees with lesser credentials but greater schmoozy skills.
When he finished his sketch of the problem, I asked him about the options he’s considered, and he smiled again.
“I knew you’d ask that. Right. I have a job offer and I think it’s a good one but I’m afraid. Which is why I want to know. How do you know when it’s time to make a life change…do the things I’ve seen you do. Make healthy exits and move on?”
I don’t say anything yet. I’m thinking. Then Martin adds,
“And I read your book. The one about your mom. Wow. You moved so often and it wasn’t your choice…your mom was a lot and look at you. How did you learn to be confident about your choices when you finally got to choose – not just where you lived, but your career choices, too?”
I’m not often at a loss for words. Martin gave me a bushel basket full of gifts along with the hope that I could tell him what to do. I might be an exemplar to him – the picture of someone who’s managed a lot with a dash of patience, forgiveness and grace, but I don’t have a prescription for what he does next. And he knows it.
I say:
“I love that you found me so we could catch up. I love that you read my book and see the resiliency threads, the courage to keep going, but I’m not special or remarkable. I had plenty of people cheering me on and always felt like an ‘exit’ or a change was healthy if I was excited about what came next. You’re right. Being the chooser helps but trusting ourselves is tricky. It requires practice. Building confidence. But you already knew that didn’t you?”
Martin nodded, sipped his coffee and began talking about the job offer in question. His excitement was obvious and although he knew he didn’t need to convince me that it was a good opportunity, I could see he’d come to that conclusion on his own.
“Last week I would’ve quit on the spot, I was so angry. I wanted to tell my boss off but I know that’s not the way. I’ve written a resignation letter and I’ll give him two weeks because it’s the right thing to do. I’ll regret it if I don’t give the new job a shot.”
How many words did I speak in our coffee chat? Not many. Even for Verbose Vicki. What Martin needed is what we all need from time to time. A listening post, caring ears, ready to receive.
Healthy exits, graceful exits…listening to the wisdom within. I know you’ll join me in wishing “Martin” good luck! Thanks so much for coming along.
Vicki 😊
More…favorite posts about students:
Lizette’s 4-Steps – Victoria Ponders
Like a Rainbow – Victoria Ponders
Check out this link for more about “Surviving Sue”
Victoria Ponders 
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