I love the interest readers have about my dad’s story. It’s one of the themes in my book, the ‘special survival bonds between dads and daughters’ and this week I’m sharing more about my dad.
As Sue’s spouse, my dad had his hands full. Mix in a successful career and complexities with his own extended family and my dad’s life was a study of its own, a portrait in dark and light.
What’s remarkable to me, still, is that he had the fortitude to navigate challenges with Sue while also providing me with comfort and wisdom. He couldn’t prevent some of the unthinkable things Sue did, but I believe he instilled courage in me, enough to withstand the periods of torment because I saw him ride waves of his own. Sometimes I was less ‘daughter’ and more of a helper to him and I didn’t mind. In “Surviving Sue” I share an episode involving one of Sue’s medical crises (p. 98) and it was the first-time dad openly referred to mom as “Sue” to me. He’d been on a business trip and came home to find Sue unresponsive, calling me immediately after he dialed 911:
Vic, you need to come now. Sue’s bad.
I had never heard him so upset so I hustled, and I was on a plane within a couple of hours, but it was still a long flight. When I think about it now, it’s interesting that he consistently referred to mom as “Sue” – even to me. He knew there was no motherly affection.
Calm under pressure was one of his strengths and I often write about his gifts of wisdom. This post Loving Lessons from My Papa – Victoria Ponders is one of my favorites. I loved his big heart but when I miss him (he’s been gone for 26 years now) I get quiet and remember. He’s always near.
As I wrote “Surviving Sue” my dad was often with me, in spirit. I think he understood the compelling nature of Sue’s story and although there are painful bits, I believe he would’ve been proud of the final product. Unable to send him the manuscript, I did the next best thing and asked my dearest cousin, Dan, to read. Dan was like an older brother to me – the son my dad never had – and he was around during my parents’ early years together. An endorsement from Dan was the closest I could get to a thumbs up from my papa.
When Dan read “Surviving Sue” he knew his time was short. After several bouts with cancer, it returned in January. As he read the manuscript, he shared his diagnosis and his decision. He wouldn’t be seeking treatment. Barely able to get the words out, Dan said, “By the time your book is published, I’ll be gone”.
The Zoom conversations with him were surreal. Dan was pragmatic and focused. We discussed his diagnosis and plans; he was very clear about his intent to spend quality time with his wonderful wife and sons. And one of the things that mattered greatly to him during that difficult time, staring down his mortality? Reading my book. Because he knew my dad (his “Uncle Sonny”) couldn’t do so.
Tears? Oh, my goodness, yes. Before, during and after our video calls. I worried about Dan’s appraisal of the book. I worried he might be offended by truths seen in daylight. In print. But there was no need for concern. Dan lovingly shared insights about my mom’s behavior and my dad’s techniques for navigating and managing ‘life with Sue’. Dan carried secrets of his own about Sue’s life and honestly, had I known as I was writing, I might’ve been tempted to add them in, with Dan’s blessing.
As much as I wanted to talk about how I could help him, Dan was on a mission to give me peace. He said he knew how proud my dad would be for staying strong, despite the traumas of life with Sue. He said he knew that the most important thing – always – was dad’s desire to protect Lisa and I and there were times he felt he failed us. Dan was his confidant, an outlet for dad’s fears.
In my head, I know Dan passed away on May 2 but in my heart, I don’t believe it. Not just because I miss him – the cousin/brother who was a beautiful human – but because he was one of the last living connections to the goodness that my dad possessed. A witness.
Thank you for reading and for your interest. It means so much.
Vicki ❤
Learn more about “Surviving Sue” here or stop by to leave a review or comment. Thank you so much for reading the book, the blog posts and/or listening to the podcast. My greatest hope is that my mom’s story will help others.
Victoria Ponders 
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