Hey, friends –
I promised a few weeks ago that I would eventually get around to sharing more about my toolkit for dealing with complicated emotions – especially those related to my mom, Sue.
As a counseling professional, I utilize my degrees and training and generally feel confident about helping others, but when I’m the human in need? It’s a whole different gambit and I can outsmart myself to sublimate and/or submarine emotions that are too messy. Oh-so easily. Over time I learned the truth. Deal with it or suffer the consequences later…and in that way I became more focused about reading my reactions in the moment so I could avoid heavy clutter that would, time and again, manifest in other (and often more complicated) ways.
My #1 tool? Meet and greet – head on. I refer to it as Pause It, Name It to signify the importance of slowing down so I can consciously (and yes, this is very CBT-like – cognitive behavior therapy-style) address the murky feelings, acknowledge them so I can identify what’s bubbling up.
When I can trap the emotion with imagery of a whopping white stick-on label, I’m better able to address the source and then frame…and reframe my response. I’ve learned it doesn’t take gobs of time and I don’t always need to ‘time out’ myself to do so. A little deep breathing to restore my focus and I can avoid the cavalcade.
Does it always work? Gosh no. For me, thoughts are pesky little tyrants and they need to be controlled so they don’t run amok in my amygdala based emotional center. Sprinkle in my mindfulness practice and wisdom from Buddha, and my Pause It, Name It technique helps to create a sense of calm. Buddha thought of this effort in terms of “two arrows”:
“The Buddha believed that although pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Suffering results from our attempts to cling to pleasure and push away pain. Buddhist teaching describes suffering in terms of being shot with two arrows. The first arrow is the pain and stress that are an inevitable part of being human…. the second arrow is the one we use to shoot ourselves in the foot by reacting to the natural experience of human suffering (or stress) with aversion and protest.”
Greenberg, “The Stress Proof Brain”, p. 58
My toolkit is full of other self-care rituals and routines. I’m not always successful, but I appreciate the inquiries from readers about how I actually survived Sue. Many thanks for the support and continuing interest. Let me know if my self-care ‘how to’s’ are helpful and I’ll be happy to share more.
Vicki 🥰
Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate your interest and feedback about “Surviving Sue” and I’m so pleased to have great reviews on Amazon and Goodreads…and I welcome more. If you’ve enjoyed the book and my story, please pass along your positivity to a fellow reader.
Victoria Ponders 
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