It can be hard to ascertain…how our light and humanity impact others. Maybe it’s a smile, maybe it’s an unexpected kindness. Simple stuff. Do those little things add up? I think so and I think it’s okay to hope that we’re contributing to a more positive universe when we extend ourselves. Is it too much to ask – to be ever hopeful that our bits of love and light might turn the tide or balance the challenges in life for someone else? It’s aspirational, for sure. But we don’t get to follow every trail because doing so would reduce the energy we have to stay in the moment, ready to encourage and support those in front of us…or those we’ve yet to encounter.
I’m pondering this today because kindnesses which occur in happenstance encounters can be fluid and fast…unlike those we experience in relationships where discernible ripples are more evident, providing opportunities to see the unfolding. What happens next? You’re right there, front row and all and it’s a balancing act. How much do you give without losing yourself in the process?
Someone I care about thought she was being kind-hearted and giving and made a massive sacrifice for someone she loves. It involved a life-altering cross country move – not just for her partner but for her as well. Was it a stellar opportunity for the woman she loves? Yes. The kind of offer you dare not turn down. And so, the choices for my friend were few and obvious: Move – go with her partner… OR…stay put and attempt a long-distance relationship…OR…the scariest proposition of all? End the relationship. She chose to move…but not without substantial heartache and anticipatory stress about sacrificing HER career for her partner’s.
The move occurred several months ago and despite an ‘eyes wide open’ decision (or so she thought) my dear friend is miserable. She misses her friends and family and while her partner’s career is soaring, she’s struggling to find work in her field…so much so that she’s picked up some self-soothing habits that are contributing to the demise of their relationship…fueling her passive-aggressive barbs. She doesn’t want to be angry, but she is, and she knows her target isn’t, truly, her partner. Nope, she’s the one wearing the bullseye – as a result of her decision to move.
Maybe this is you…when you’re at your worst (I know it’s a behavior I fall prey to). Do you keep score? My friend figured her substantial sacrifice earned her a lifetime of grace…you know, those ‘bonus points’ we tally in a relationship as we anoint ourselves with the title ‘consummate giver’. I’ve earned the right to be a hell-raiser if I want to…except it doesn’t work that way. She’s not owed anything…she made the choice to move and regrets it now.
Wanting to be the git-along girl got her into the pickle barrel she’s in and there’s only one way out. Sooner, not later, she needs to name her frustration and be honest with her partner. I suspect the smart woman she loves already put the pieces together…people in a pickle can be easy to read…sour, sassy and all.
Me? I’m the listener, the neutral party trying to help my friend find her way. I think she’s almost there, but the message she needs to receive more than anything is that she’s not a bad person. Her decision to move came from a caring place and even once all is resolved (one way or another) she can reclaim her sunny side…it’s still there…and it’ll guide her forward.
Course correction is my preferred term for what comes next…as I try to help her move away from her maddening fixation on the word MISTAKE. It carries a heaviness tinged with failure, like weighted chains. I have faith in her and believe her hallmark traits of kindness and love will swivel her way – so she’s the intended beneficiary for a change. No mistakes. Just a course correction.
Thanks for reading…I’m sending sunshine and smiles your way…soak it up or spread it around. You know best.
Vicki 😊
Victoria Ponders... 
🙂 Thanks for the sunshine and smiles, Victoria.
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You are very welcome, Renard! 😉
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I can appreciate what your friend must be feeling. I had a similar decision, chose differently but with similar results. Course correcting not only sounds better but feels better than reacting to a bad choice.
Simple stuff does addd up and your daily pondering add up to much sunshine for many of us. Thank you for always bringing a smile and a good dose of insight with it.
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Oh my goodness…you’ve just filled my bucket…for the day…the week…or more? ❤
Thank you for the super kind comment. I’m glad the reframing of ‘failure’ or ‘mistake’ to ‘course correction’ makes sense to you, too. Although I’m sorry you’ve been through something that was challenging in a somewhat similar way…I guess that makes us even MORE human, right? Sending extra cheer to you…for your kindness this morning! 😊😊😊
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Thank you! 😊
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Wow – as I read this I thought how lucky your friend is to have you. Someone who can help her recalibrate her view of things and take the next step. A friend with wisdom and kindness that stokes the fire of how to fix things instead of the burn of what went wrong.
I feel for your friend. What strikes me is that when we do something so selfless and good, we expect to be different and transformed and maybe even that everything will be easier. It’s a disappointment when we find we are still ourselves. I hope that with your guidance, your sunniness and your beautiful warmth that she can find her way back to herself, wherever she choose to live!!
Beautiful post, Vicki!! XOXO!
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Oh this! So spot-on, Wynne: “What strikes me is that when we do something so selfless and good, we expect to be different and transformed and maybe even that everything will be easier. It’s a disappointment when we find we are still ourselves.”
Still ourselves, indeed. Pushing ourselves to morph and become something we aren’t quite…or won’t ever be? Maybe well-intended but scary…how quickly we can lose our footing.
xo, friend – Monday hugs and love! ❤
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How quickly we can lose our footing — yes! Sending Monday hugs right back at you!
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😉❤️😉
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We have all been there. We do all the research we can and finally we make a decision. The decision we make is the best possible one based on the information we have at the time. But we find out that our decision was a mistake. Or was it? We didn’t rush our decision, so it was right and we analyzed carefully in advance. Sometimes it’s impossible to know what is best no matter how much and there is that fear of missing out that sales companies count on. Not a mistake then I think. I think sometimes we have to give ourselves some slack. We make a choice but have to do so knowing we can’t possibly know if our decision will eventually be the right one. We have to pick one side of the fork in the road and go forward. That’s life.
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Thank you so much, David. Such an important reminder…making the best decision at the time…with the info available. Appreciate that. And giving one another slack? Yes to that! Hope you are having a delightful day…thank you for reading and for sharing. 😉
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A little bit of kindness really does go a long way, in a world of progress, often not recognising where it is, or where it is going …
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I think that’s so true: I’ve had a friend who listened and didn’t judge when I was struggling with a big decision, and just shared of herself. A little kindness, a neutral listener, yes, they can and do go a long way. Well said. Good friends are a ray of sunshine!
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Listening w/o judging…now that’s a skill to savor in a friend. Good friends ARE like sunshine. Thank you for that, EW! 😉🤍😉
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Oh my — yes indeed. I agree with your thought and EW’s comment — kindness can make a world of difference. Thank you for that…an important bit of perspective. 😊😊😊
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Why was it a mistake? Okay, maybe the move didn’t work out, but how would you ever know, until you actually did it? Love the idea of course correction. So much more of a growth mindset. Life is full of hills and valleys, the best anyone can do is make some changes here and there. Course correction is a much better way of living than seeing everything in black and white, success/failure glasses. At least, that’s my two cents. Your friend is lucky to have you.
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You nailed it! No mistake indeed…just part of her journey. 😉Removing those filters of success/failure is so important. Thank you, Brian. I like your two cents! 😉😉😉
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I’m late to the party, but I too love the idea of course correction versus a mistake. As has already been alluded to, your friend would have likely wondered if NOT moving was a mistake, had she not tried it. And while it’s hard not to engage in a bit of self-flagellation in these times, the important thing is recognizing we learn from each situation, then adjusting the sails, so to speak. And… having good friends like you, who will be with her step for step! 🤍
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Thank you, dear one! Never late to the party…whenever you arrive you’re right on time…and always with great input! You’re right about the self-flagellation business…it’s a pattern that became almost normal for her. Hard to cut that loose…
Xo to you! ❤️
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Such a tough situation for your friend- luckily she also has you as a friend. I love you paragraph about the pickle jar- great analogy and wording 🙂
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Thank you so much. I appreciate your admiration of the ‘pickle jar’ business. Silly, but fun. You get me! 😊😊😊
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Haha I love it – made a serious point in a fun way🤩😎
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