Gratitude and fear got together and they came to roost. At least that’s what my stomach feels like lately. If asked, I might’ve paired the emotions differently. Maybe gratitude with a side order of love? Fear with positivity as a co-pilot? But gratitude and fear? That’s like a roller coaster ride…she’s up…she’s down…and the nausea. Sheesh.
Despite the rolling thunder in my belly my friend Carolynn is in my heart. We met to catch up and nosh over the weekend and I treasure time with her. She knows I can veer off into ‘woo woo Vicki’ as I catalog and chronicle the goodness in my life that must be more than coincidental. There are simply too many examples, one layered atop another, across decades. Is it a spirit guide looking out for me? The universe itself? A guardian angel…my father? I’d love to know – in order to properly thank the source – but the mystery remains. Carolynn smiles and tolerates ‘other worldly’ me, not joining in but also not disparaging my conviction, belief in the unknowable. I love her for that.
But the ups and downs? No, not recent developments. There IS a running theme, a common denominator and it’s all about writing about my mom. From the time I decided to gingerly place my fingers on a keyboard with mom top of mind, I took every detour I could to avoid, avoid, avoid. Yet each time I turned away, I found myself navigating the same well-worn path where I’d greet the task, again and again. Hello, mom. Yes. I want to write about you, but I’m scared.
About eighteen months ago, I surrendered, thinking “I’ll just write 500 words and we’ll see what’s what.” Those 500 words became 90,000 and I’m still shocked that I have a publisher…an editor…along with friends and family…who’ve cheered me on throughout. Thank goodness for my friend Linda who continued to nudge me: “Don’t stop…keep going.”
But I’m still scared. “Surviving Sue” is looking like a mid-summer release and the non-writing tasks are surfacing. I’m told I need to begin thinking about promotion and “launch parties’ along with liner notes, acknowledgements…and more. Most hilarious? My friendly publisher encouraged me to think about celebrity contacts. The whole ‘Seven Degrees of Separation’ business, I wondered? “Yes, yes”, he said. Endorsements. Book blurbs.
Enter Carolynn. A communications professional…writer extraordinaire…she dispenses the best wisdom. We met on Sunday and some ‘other worldly’ forces were in play – even she admitted so. I’ll explain…
As the hostess ushered us to a table, one side a banquette and one a chair, Carolynn asked which I preferred. In my head I thought, ‘Oh that banquette looks more comfy that the hard side chair…and my back is talking to me because I didn’t stretch enough this morning’ but I figured Carolynn was thinking the same. One comfy seat and one hard slab. Really not much of a choice.
I took the slab – just happy to see Carolynn and less concerned about my back or tush. So we sat. And as we began the mutual catch-up confab, Carolynn asked first about “Surviving Sue” and I told the truth. I don’t know how to promote a book! Quick to wave off my fears, she said, “My library network will be a great help. Great people, they’ll love your book, and I can see you on tour in safe places doing promo work but also helping others…you need to meet my friend Amy, for starters.”
Because Carolynn sat on the banquette, she had a clean line of sight to the front of the restaurant and the hostess stand. As she spoke, saying, …”my friend Amy….” Carolynn’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “My God”, she said. “It’s Amy. Right there!” Carolynn bolted up in surprise to greet Amy and another library buddy, also a marketing director.
Wild Thing #1: If Carolynn had been seated where I was, her back would’ve been toward the door and she would never have seen Amy, or her friend Diane, before they were seated. Maybe she would’ve spied them elsewhere in the restaurant – later – but unlikely. It was a busy Sunday morning.
Wild Thing #2: The hostess sat Amy and Diane next to us and I received a free, three-way marketing consultation over breakfast. Did all three – Carolynn plus Amy and Diane share great ideas, allay fears, ask about the book, show excitement with and for me? Yes. So much so.
Me thinks my persistent, emotional combo platter of gratitude swirled with fear is a leftover from Sunday morning but I think relief is on the way as I process all that happened over coffee (and yes, again, pancakes). When we said goodbye in the parking lot, one hug was followed by another for good measure, and I felt Carolynn’s genuine excitement for me and the journey I’ve been on. She assured me, “You’ve got this and I’m here to help.”
Most of all, her enthusiasm, despite her dislike for mystical me, came through. “I don’t know how you did it” she said, “But seeing Amy and Diane appear – just like that? I’ll give it to you. It was weird…and wonderful.”
I think I need to rewind to where my head was eighteen months ago. Look at the tasks ahead related to finalizing and promotion as culminating, celebratory stages of writing about my mom.
I’m almost there.
-Vicki ❤
P.S. The pic is mine…a corporate portrait taken for my dad’s office…circa 1973? Lisa with the glasses, alongside me and our mom, Sue.
Victoria Ponders 
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