With permission, I invite you to into a Triumph Tale about a former client (and yes, I’ve changed her name and identifiable details).
When I asked if I could write about a recent transformative experience, “Maria” laughed, fairly certain no such growth had occurred. I disagreed. Proud of her for finding her way, I told her I’d send her a preview of this post – which I did this morning. Sometimes it’s hard to see our evolution as it unfolds and what I wrote – simply putting a mirror to her experience – gave her joy. Ah. That? That’s what makes me happy.
But let me get to the good, good stuff. When I first met Maria, she identified as an achiever but was dismayed by her ever-fluctuating sense of self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. Those were the tasks we worked on.
Maria was grateful for my support and for the encouragement she received from her mentor/supervisor (Carol). For many years their relationship was a gift. Carol’s high regard for Maria’s work was both nurturing and practical. Stopping short of referring to Carol as a ‘big sister’ or ‘mother figure’, Maria reveled in the warmth and interest Carol bestowed on her.
They worked alongside one another for ten years. They achieved, they traveled, they published technical manuals and gained notoriety in their industry. For Maria, it felt like a partnership – despite the fact that a hierarchy was in place. Carol WAS her boss. Any lines distinguishing personal and professional were vague, at best. Maria felt sheltered by Carol’s care, inviting her into relationship dramas and trusting her with delicate details about her life.
Were they friends? Maria thought so but as she looked back, she realized Carol didn’t disclose much. Carol expertly crafted a relationship of dependency for Maria – holding her secrets and fears, while withholding much about her own life. Tactical?
A few months ago, Carol was promoted – again. Maria was happy for her until she found out Carol appropriated a substantial project – Maria’s project – claiming it was her own creation. Yes, lines were blurry. They’d been co-creators and partners and up until then, Carol would’ve acknowledged Maria’s contributions. But this development? Parlaying Maria’s work as entirely her own? Too much.
Maria knew what she was risking as she contemplated confronting Carol. Some within the company were already suspicious – dubious about the rapid delivery of a complex project in record time, coupled with Carol’s unprompted assurances that it was “her work”.
Maria wondered – should she duck and cover – ignore the whispers and rumors – or confront Carol head-on, risking not only their work relationship but the decade-long “friendship” she thought they had.
Here’s the Triumph Tale. Maria found her voice, handled the confrontation with grace (with the support of a savvy HR manager) and provided indisputable evidence of Carol’s subterfuge. Disciplinary action was taken against Carol and Maria was reassigned to another manager, but she won’t be there long. She’s sad about the loss of the relationship she thought she had with Carol. Now, however? Maria sees Carol as an opportunistic, unsure human, willing to play a long game of feigning friendship just to bolster her own career. Carol was never her friend.
Triumph Tale! Maria didn’t allow this high intensity drama to derail her for very long. At the moment she’s contemplating two job offers and sees “the Carol years” as hard lessons – earned and learned – and she’s moving on. Her one worry? Every recent interview focused on the renewed importance of team building in the post-Covid era.
Given Maria’s investment in her “friendship” with Carol and the destructiveness of the relationship, she’s nervous about forced socialization in the future – preferring to be more guarded and protective, understandably.
As we wrapped up our chat, Maria and I chuckled about a recent Wall Street Journal article that we’d both read, about team building and the importance of “fun” in the workplace. Maria’s feeling every ounce of this point of view, quoted in the article, as she moves forward to her next job:
“I like to keep my work relationships professional and courteous, but not necessarily friendly, and I think that team-building activities are pushing those boundaries.”
Today? I’m wishing Maria well. I think she’ll navigate beautifully, carrying lessons from Carol with her, probably forever. Oh — and I don’t think she’s going to sign up for Whirlyball outings, either.
Vicki 😊
Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com
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