I’ve been busy pulling together some of my favorite self-care strategies – the tactics and habits that helped me navigate my difficult childhood and I thought I’d pause to talk about one of those themes.
Readers of “Surviving Sue” have often asked if I might pull the curtain back, just a smidge, to reveal the manner in which I maintained the strength and resolve to literally survive life with my mom, Sue.
I’ve kept track of the specific questions, and they might find their way into another book about resiliency and self-care. Some queries are about maintaining and safeguarding my mental health. Other questions come from a work/life/family balance perspective; the challenges that many of us face as caregivers to both parents and children. Sometimes grandchildren and extended family or community members in need, too.
Interestingly, one of the most unexpected lines of inquiry has come from those who identify with the undercurrent of disordered eating in my mom’s family. Issues I’ve struggled with – without fully succumbing. Sue’s hoarding, binging and deprivation behaviors had tentacles tied to her past and the torturous life she and her siblings endured during their childhoods.
For Sue, the pain was never ending. She carried the burden of being ostracized because of her family’s poverty – frequently mocked for her ravenous appetite and tattered, filthy clothing. Imprints left on a child by the thoughtless voyeurs who commented on her appearance and circumstance instead of seeing her heart. As an adult, the worry about possible food scarcity never left Sue’s psyche – even when she could rationally see that she lived a life of abundance.
By the time she was a young mother, food (and drink) were Sue’s best friends and archenemies. As a child I understood “celebratory Sue”, imbibing on treats of all sorts during parties and family gatherings. Often dieting for weeks in advance so she’d fit into a frock far too small for her frame. I remember Sue passing out from low blood sugar, starving herself in order to squeeze into a size eight dress.
Passing along the dysfunction during my teenage years, Sue’s disordered eating was the genesis for my own body image issues. Providing color commentary about the size of any new apparel she’d gift me for Christmas or my birthday. “I hope it’s big enough! You’ve been hitting the Twinkies pretty hard.” I knew her game. Belittling me made her feel better. Thinner? In her mind, at least?
I’m grateful that I saw Sue’s duplicity at work; the lying she engaged in about food. Constant, relentless fabrications. Hiding food, sneaking food and accusing Lisa and I of overeating to hide her own late-night binges.
Sue misjudged me often, thinking that I might be as unaware as Lisa. Unlike Lisa, my vision was fine (my sweet sister Lisa is legally blind in one eye) and intellectually, I had the raw material to see Sue’s inconsistencies…the mismatches between Sue’s words and deeds. Lisa? She was the get-along girl and in order to keep the peace with Sue, she’d apologize for eating snacks she’d never touched – especially in front of our dad, Sonny. Lisa knew Sue’s wrath would surface if she didn’t follow the convoluted storylines. But me? I was a problem. I saw Sue. All the dysfunctional facets, including her madness with food.
So how have I made that right, as an adult?
Recognizing what you don’t want in your life is a powerful first step. Specific to disordered eating, leaning into nutrition can be invaluable. Listening to my body about preferences and honoring them. This has been a challenge because of my food sensitivities and allergies – a long list – that weren’t diagnosed until I was safely away from Sue. The years of hives and respiratory episodes weren’t performances. Vicki seeking attention. I had – and have – allergies to shellfish, raspberries, eggs, oats and a long list of environmental and chemical allergies.
I needed to give up the concern about other people’s opinions, especially the unhelpful but common label of being a “picky eater”. Yes, yes indeed I am. I’d rather not have a medical episode and if I ask a lot of questions in a restaurant or eschew certain eateries or activities, I’ve got a reason. Probably a few of them.
Which brings me to one of my tried-and-true self-care tips, a lesson learned as a result of literally surviving Sue. Not magical. Not new…simply the recognition of the power that awaits when we embrace our individual truths regarding wellness: Eat what your body needs when it needs it. Listen. Pay attention.
My favorite example? Eating dinner for breakfast.
Although some might think it compulsive, I need a “food plan” for every day of my life. Left to chance, I might fall off the healthy wagon and not just a tumble. Especially if that tumble involves a slide into sweets. Sugar is my nemesis. Sure…it’s satisfying in the moment, but within an hour, I’ll feel “off”. Sometimes ill. The next day? The inflammation I feel in my joints is notable and uncomfortable. Antidote? I make my own sweet swaps. I have a zillion and one hacks so that I can enjoy cookies, baked goods and treats using non-inflammatory and healthful ingredients. I’m ever on the lookout for recipes that give the same mouth feel, unctuous and yummy without the after effects.
But dinner at breakfast? Yep. I love using my big Dutch oven for soup – or the crock pot (although I still worry about leaving that sucker plugged in when I’m not home) and making pasta casseroles with whole grain noodles at the crack of dawn. And if I want said creation for breakfast? I’m gonna tucker in and enjoy. Chili at 8am? Yep. Been there. Done that. You, too?
My other food-related self-care strategy is logging what I put in my mouth. No, not in any fancy app. I just use the notes tool in my phone and if it goes in my mouth, I log it. The hubster’s been encouraging me to use his fancy-schmantzy app that logs calories, but I don’t give a hoot about that. I just want to acknowledge – every time I eat – that I made a good choice. And if I goof up, I want to see that, too. Not to berate myself, but for awareness. A slip is a slip. I’m just trying to avoid the aforementioned tumble.
Thanks so much for coming along. See the links below for other posts on this topic, along with resources for those struggling with eating disorders. I can’t advise you about what will work best for you, but I wish you well. Always.
Vicki 😊
Hi – I’m Victoria, Vicki, Dr. Vicki. I hold a doctorate in Adult Education and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and author of Surviving Sue | Eckhartz Press.
Check out this link to learn more about my book about “Surviving Sue”.
Making Peace with Food – Victoria Ponders
Angry Eaters – Victoria Ponders
- Need a nutritional booster shot? This piece from the Cleveland Clinic is excellent because it’s comprehensive and encouraging. Check it out.
- Support and Resources: National Eating Disorders Association
Victoria Ponders 
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