I have a former client whose chief dilemma was that he clamored to be extroverted, feeling frustrated that he never found a way to be at ease in social situations. Sure, there’s a lot more to the story but the point is that he couldn’t get comfortable with himself. In his mind, the more social, outgoing guys were the successful ones. They found the prettier partners to date (and marry) made more money, had better lives, smarter children. Lamenting his nature got in his way, creating stumbling blocks that were unnecessary, self-imposed.
When I could, I tried to point out his numerous strengths but the repair work he needed? Yep. From the inside out. No amount of coaching and guiding from me would penetrate his deeply held belief that he needed to push harder to be ‘the guy’.
Often, his overplayed attempts at being Mr. Happy backfired. He’d become too loud, too boisterous and while he drew attention, it wasn’t the spotlight he had in mind. Know what I mean?
Rather than lean in, people stepped back. Incongruence will do that. We don’t always know WHY someone is ‘off’ but I maintain most folks can feel it and ‘read it’ when they’re around a mismatch of behavior and intent. When we’re too overt, too exaggerated, it’s often a cloak, a shield. A sham operation. Don’t see ME…the real me. See the caricature I’m portraying myself to be.
It’s been a few years since I saw my unhappy client. He bounced from job to job and in and out of relationships and even though I tried to help, there are limits to my powers. I often wished – and encouraged him – to find ways to honor his gifts without the constant comparisons to colleagues, family members, friends. But he’d have none of it. If he’d found a way to quiet the hecklers in his head, he might’ve seen what C.S. Lewis knew:
Have fun, even if it’s not the same kind of fun everyone else is having.
C.S. Lewis
The life of an extrovert isn’t perfect but the envy he felt was paralyzing. Being brave and allowing ourselves to be alone…gasp…with our thoughts can be a courageous act and I suspect my client was afraid. What if there were no thoughts? Just nothingness. His introverted nightmare. Instead, he filled his days with endless activity, exhausting himself.
In today’s Heart of the Matter post, I share my regard for Susan Cain’s book, “Quiet”. Maybe reading one of Cain’s sweet stories about an introverted professor would’ve helped my client. Timing is everything.
Vicki 😊
Victoria Ponders 
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